Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
