i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
