My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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