If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This is classic penis vs brain.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
