Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
