Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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