Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
