she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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