Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
