too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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