I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
