I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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