I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
