two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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