The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
