he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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