I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
