I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
