Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
no you cant smoke seaweed
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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