Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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