I cannot find my penis.
you would pick up someone in the library
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
two words: eviction party
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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