I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
