She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
