walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
