Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
