My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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