false alarm. still invincible.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
