it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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