i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
