In the future we'll all be gay
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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