Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
