he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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