I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
