good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
