Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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