Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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