you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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