Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize