Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
