I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Bring me that man meat
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
