Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
