So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
