In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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