You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
