so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Life without a bra equals bliss.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize