If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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