i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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