you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
