I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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