fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
