Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
