Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
