LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
