last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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