every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
