Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
