All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize