I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
