she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
